Unacceptable Losses
by Becksy
Summary: When John suddenly loses Rodney he finds it an unacceptable loss, but later someone appears who changes everything. Warning: Character Death but only kind of . SLASH


"So, do you think they'll have that kinda-pot roast for dinner tonight? Because last time it gave me indigestion and that was seriously not fun. Hmm...maybe they'll have that green mashed casserole thing oh, or they might have that soup with the little pink things in it. I liked that one or maybe..."

John rolled his eyes and kept walking as he half-listened to Rodney's endless one-sided discourse on the wonders/horrors of the mess hall. They'd been traveling down the same dusty road for about an hour following a faint energy reading with no signs of anything interesting except the occasional change in foliage.

He was bored out of his mind, tired, sweaty, and just about ready to tell his over zealous friend to forget about the "possibly useful" energy signature and head back to the gate. Glancing back to where Teyla and Ronon were grimly plodding along (Ronon looking like he'd REALLY like to shut McKay up) he turned to still talking scientist just in time to see a thick wooden spear slam into Rodney's body and hurl him backwards, pinning him to the nearest tree.

Rodney hung their like a lifeless puppet, his eyes wide; their once lively, brilliant blue dulled by death. John was frozen, unable to look away from the gruesome image before him. He didn't know how long he stood their staring before he distantly heard Teyla call to him and found himself hurled onto the ground as another spear flew overhead.  
Suddenly the world sped up again, his combat training came into play and Sheppard became aware of his surroundings. He heard Ronon's gun, the natives' war cries, and Teyla's tear-stained voice calling to him to get up and fight. The soldier took over and Sheppard stood, drew his gun and fired until the enemy was dead. By the end of the fight, they had had to resort to hand to hand combat and all three were covered in blood, adrenaline coursing through them like fire. It was easy to blame the ferocity, the aggression, and the violence of their fight on necessity rather than their grief. They were warriors now, grief would come later.

Finally they turned back to their fallen friend, unknowingly standing at attention before his body before at last, Ronon stepped up and pulled the spear from his chest, gently catching the scientist's lifeless body in his arms. Wordlessly, he turned to face the others and then as one, they moved back to the gate in utter silence.

-  
"No," John thought vehemently. Rodney could not be dead. He wouldn't allow it damn it!!! But there was his body, stretched out on the infirmary bed in all its grisly evidence that McKay was truly gone.

No. No no no NO NO NO!!!!!!

And Teyla was crying...Teyla never cries. And Ronon, damn him, had some Satedan ritual to comfort him. Everyone it seemed had something or someone to provide closure, to make it real. Everyone but John.

So he left the infirmary along with proof he couldn't accept. Not yet. He wandered the halls of Atlantis, for once finding no comfort in her gentle presence. At last he found himself in front of Rodney's door. He stared at it blankly for a good five minutes before he could stand to open it, knowing what he would find inside: Rodney. All that Rodney was, all that he had been. His brilliance personified in the mass of diplomas hanging on the Wall of WOW, his cranky outbursts scribbled in an unfinished email to an apparently "incompetent, unprepossessing, dim-witted, moron," in the botany department, the often absent-minded behavior seen in the dozens of half finished projects and articles scattered around his quarter, his laughter and amazing ability to love written in every line of the city whose people, his friends, he'd devoted the last few years of his life to protect.

Sitting on Rodney's bed John huffed a pained laugh. How could Rodney be gone when he was HERE?! Absently, he opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out its contents. Six pens, two slightly chewed pencils, twenty powerbars, hmm, some of Radek's hooch, a ball of yarn (what the hell?), and at the very bottom, a large leather journal. John didn't open it. He couldn't. No matter how curious he was, it was private and Rodney would kill him if he found out. Instead he stood and turned his attention to the stack of foldable plastic crates in the corner. He opened one to its full size and almost in a daze started packing.

He had most of Rodney's room packed by the time he heard a soft voice calling him from the door. John turned to find a teary eyed Miko standing there, her face a mixture of horror, grief, and extreme pity. It was only then that he realized he was still covered head to toe with the blood of McKay's murderers. Suddenly he felt violently ill and raced into the bathroom, barely making it to Rodney's toilet before he proceeded to wretch up everything he had ever eaten.

He stayed there, leaning over the bowl gasping until he felt a gentle, hesitant hand on the back of his head. Miko. Quiet, shy little Miko was sitting beside him on the floor rubbing circles on his back, trying to comfort him, the hardened soldier. He started to chuckle bitterly at the irony only to have it turn into racking sobs as he found himself laying with his head in the tiny scientist's lap as she gently rocked him.

Rodney. No. Please no.

+++++++++ Chapter 2 +++++++++

For some reason, McKay chose Richard Woolsey as the executer of his will. The only explanation John could think of was that in Rodney's mind logically, Woolsey was the only one who could shoulder that responsibility after his death because everyone else would either be grief stricken or dead. Sometimes it was amazing just how smart he was.

Rodney had asked to be cremated and his ashes released into space. His will also stipulated that his sister was NOT to attend the funeral. Apparently, a seven year old Jeannie had been the one to find their Grandmother's body after she'd overdosed on pain killers. Although she tried, Jeannie hadn't been able to handle funerals ever since. So instead, a sealed letter was left for her, to be delivered along with news of his death. Everything he owned went to her.

The funeral was beautiful (if any funeral could be called that). Everyone was dressed to the nines, spit polished and shiny, but if anyone had looked in they would have seen the faces of the living more deathlike than any corpse. Rodney's picture was displayed, surrounded by flowers next to the podium. He'd chosen his "scientist" pose: arms crossed, chin tilted up, with a look of knowledge and determination on his frowning face. His friends and colleges had granted him that but this ceremony was for them too, to help them let their brilliant, snarky friend go, so they surrounded the large serious image with a collection of snapshots displaying Rodney in a variety of lights: yelling, laughing, smiling, drunk with a lamp cover on his head, passed out and drooling on his laptop. This was Rodney McKay. People went up to the podium and talked about him, told stories, laughed, cried, and remembered.

John went back to his room immediately after the funeral. As the door slid shut behind him he stripped off his Air Force Blues, took a deep breath and closing his eyes, shakily let it. It still didn't feel real. The worst part was he didn't know why he couldn't accept Rodney's death. It wasn't because it had been so sudden. He'd seen unexpected death before...a lot of it. It wasn't even that McKay was his friend. Holland had been his friend and yes, his death may still haunt him from time to time but he had accepted it, grieved, and moved on. Why was Rodney any different?

His thoughts were interrupted when his door chimed. Mr. Woolsey entered at his call and stood nervously at the threshold. He shifted his feet and let out a pint up sigh then looked up at Sheppard while biting his bottom lip. "Colonel Sheppard. First of all I'd like to offer my condolences. I know that you and Dr. McKay were very close....that's why I've come here actually. As you know, Dr. McKay left his entire estate to his sister along with a letter and instructions for her collection of both. Since you were so close, I wondered if perhaps you would be willing to be the one to..to inform her?"

Sheppard stood there a moment, silently staring at Woolsey while he attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. Tell Jeannie. Tell Jeannie what? That her brother was dead? That he'd been impaled and stuck to a tree like part of an f'ing bug collection?! What the hell was he supposed to say to her?! I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention? I'm sorry I got him killed? It was my fault....what was he supposed to say? Again he managed a slow, shaky breath and staring down at the floor he answered in the only way he could: "OK."

+++++++++ Chapter 3 +++++++++

He was exhausted. Sleep didn't come easy these days no matter how dark the circles under his eyes grew. So he lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling, trying his damndest not to think Rodney. It had been a week since the ambush and finally all the arrangements for the care and transport of Dr. McKay's research and personal belongings were finished. Sheppard was scheduled to follow them through the Stargate in the morning. Then the plan was a quick report, the regular medical exam, and then off to Canada in the back of a cargo plane. He still didn't know what he was going to tell Jeannie. At the moment he was just grateful she already knew about the Stargate and Atlantis because lying to a McKay was not easy.

His thoughts were interrupted when the door chimed. He called for the visitor to enter while mentally making note to destroy the damn bell as soon as possible. Teyla stepped in and gracefully walked across the room to sit beside him on the bed. In her lap she held a large leather bound book. Rodney's journal he realized. John felt a flash of anger at the sight. Why did she have that? She didn't need to be touching Rodney's things! He didn't want her to. She had no right! But then she turned to face him, eyes gentle and lips pressed thin with concern and he felt his annoyance quickly dissipate back into the numbness that these days, seemed to be all he could feel. They sat there looking at each other in silence for long minutes until Teyla turned her attention to the journal. With a sad smile she softly ran her fingers along the surface, almost petting, and spoke:

"Dr. McKay's journal. The first time I saw him writing in this was after your...transformation. He said it was a way to commemorate important moments and discoveries in his life. I had never seen such a record before and I asked him what in his life was so significant that it needed to be written down? I thought that anything so vital would surely be easy for him to remember....He told me that I was indeed correct but such documents were a tradition in your culture and to him it served not only as a log for the sake of posterity but as a confidante for his deepest emotions.' At this point she shifted so that she was again facing John and slowly lifted the journal to place it in his hands. 'I know that Rodney's death has been difficult for you John. Perhaps if you read his thoughts you will be able to find the peace you now denied. Dr. Keller told me that records such as this one are often read after their author is.....I believe he would want you to."

Gently, Teyla raised her hand to cup the side of his face for a moment and then raised herself from the side of the bed and left without another word. John watched her go and then leaned his head back against the headboard to stare at the ceiling once more; the journal clasped tightly in his hands.

------------------------

Stargate command looked the same as it always did. Somehow that seemed wrong, like everything should be a bit more drab, the noises a tad more hollow and sharp. General Landry met him at the bottom of the ramp after making his way through the jumble of crates which contained Dr. McKay's belongings.

"Colonel, it's good to see you again. I only wish it were under different circumstances."

"Thank you, sir."

"Dr. McKay's things will stowed within the hour. After you're released from medical I'd like to see you in my office for a quick report then we'll have you on your way."

"Yes sir."

'God bless the military' Sheppard thought. Landry was the first person who hadn't asked him if he was OK. The General didn't expect anything from him other than that he do his job and do it well. Right now, that's what he needed.

----  
Cargo planes were not made for comfort. The seats were hard, the ride bumpy, and the engines noisy. John felt more contented than he had in weeks.

It took him a good twenty minutes before he got up the nerve to take the journal out of his bag and another thirty to open it. The entries started when Rodney fist came to Antarctica. He'd been there a few months before John sat in the chair and the majority of the text was a catalogue of new finds and somewhat less than flattering descriptions of his colleagues. Then there it was, the completely innocuous date that changed John's entire life. He laughed out loud when he read passage and then read it again, smiling sadly as he traced the words with his fingertips.  
*The universe hates me. There's no other explanation. Why else would it produce the strongest ATA gene on record and stuff it into the body of the Air Force's most likely candidate for Sexiest Flyboy of the Year? I mean seriously, the man looks like he has a gelled Tribble on his head and he's supposed to be our best chance? Humph...it's just fair. Here I am the foremost expert on Ancient technology, with the biggest brain in two galaxies and I'm dependant on an Abercrombie model?! I need chocolate*  
Damn he missed Rodney's way with words. He didn't even care that the entire entry was focused on insulting him. It was just good to....to hear his voice again. He settled back in his seat, getting comfortable and continued to read. The pages were filled with detailed records of their first steps into the Pegasus Galaxy, their gate trips, and different ordinary-everyday incidents in Rodney's life that had meant something to him. Each entry charged with his personality, his joys, his fears, his hypochondria, and his growing affection for the other members of the expedition, most notably John himself.

Oh hell. He read the date again and then the entry title ? yes this one actually had its own title ? "The Day the Thick Headed Idiot Strapped a Bomb to His Ass and Tried to Blow Himself Up in a One Man Demonstration of a Heroic One-Fingered Gesture to the Wraith." John took deep steadying breath, counted to ten, and began to read.  
*'So long Rodney.' That's what says to me. Not the classic 'its been a pleasure serving with you' (granted, I'm not military so that one doesn't really apply), not 'I'm sorry I'm going to heroically commit suicide with the bomb you built,' not even 'you're the best friend I've ever had and I'm sorry to leave you but this is the only way.' No, I get a flippant goodbye thrown over his shoulder as he swaggers off to his death. I thought he was dead too. When that damn little blip on the screen disappeared...I never knew anything could hurt that bad. Then he was back, cocky grin on his lips as he basked in the glory of his triumphal entry and the cheers of his adoring fans. I wanted to punch that smirk right of his ridiculously handsome face. *  
John stopped reading there. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut and tears were forming in his eyes, threatening to fall. 'Oh Rodney...Rodney, I never meant to hurt you. I couldn't say goodbye, couldn't tell you how I felt, I couldn't tell you that I lov......' His thoughts stuttered to a halt there. Realization crashed into him like a boulder and he sat there, visibly shaking, barely able to breath, the pain so agonizing he wanted to curl up on his side and scream. 'Love. Rodney. Rodney had been in love with him...and he hand been, was, desperately in love with Rodney.' If he'd thought the loss had been intolerable before it was nothing compared to now. The numbness was gone, replaced by excruciating pain and a nauseating sense of emptiness.

They'd been in love. He WAS in love. In love with his best friend, with Rodney, and now, now that he knew, now that he wanted him so much it hurt,.............Rodney was dead...

+++++++++++ Chapter 4 +++++++++++

John stepped out of the rental car and onto the driveway of the Miller's pristine suburban home. He walked up the path and onto the front porch. The door had been repainted a bright, cheerful red. It made him feel sick. He rang the door bell twice then waited. Soon he heard the thump thump of footsteps down the stairs and the door opened to reveal a little girl with bright blue eyes and a mass of golden curls.

"Madison get back here! We need to finish curing your hair for the play tonight. Do you really think you can be a convincing Goldilocks without curly hair? Madison?"

Jeannie Miller appeared in the entryway brandishing a curling iron and a huge bottle of hair spray with three hairpins stuck in her mouth. "Madison! What are you doing answering the door like that? I seem to remember us having quite a lengthy discussion about this before young lady. Oh.... Colonel Sheppard, hello. Madison honey, go back to your room for a bit OK sweetie?"

Jeannie attempted to rearranged the various objects in her arms, dropped the hairspray, and gave up putting everything on the floor before dusting herself off and holding out her hand to Sheppard.

"Please come in. What can I do for you...John?' She'd just then noticed how horrible the Colonel looked ? dark circles under his eyes, skin pale, his face set and grim, and much thinner than she remembered ? something was very, very wrong. "What is it? What's happened?! What has my brother done now? I swear if Mer has....." John flinched at the mention of Rodney's name and Jeannie felt her stomach clench. Rodney? Her brother got himself ? and John ? into quite a few messes but what on earth could he have done to make John flinch at his name?

Oh. Oh no...no...Nonono oh please God no!

She felt tears form in her eyes and looked up to find John's glistening as well, confirming her thoughts. The pain she saw there took her breath away. Without thinking she pulled the Colonel into her arms and held him as tightly as she could. It took a few minutes but eventually John let go of his ridged posture and slumped against her, wrapping his arms around her in turn. They stood like that, Jeannie didn't know how long, and then she felt John begin to shake as his breathing became ragged and wetness formed on her shirt. John was crying? John was crying, no sobbing, holding onto her like a lifeline.

OK...ok time to sit down.

Gently, Jeannie moved John over to the couch and sat down beside him, petting his hair and holding him while they both cried.

'Mer. Damn it Mer, you weren't supposed to die yet!' She could almost hear her brother, snapping back that 'that was a completely illogical attitude to take in this situation. Did she honestly think he'd MEANT to die? No no. He was far too valuable for that sort of behavior' she almost laughed at that. Mer really was the only person in the Universe who would remain snarky and condescending after death.

The Colonel's sobs had died down a bit by now but she continued to comfort him, much like a child. 'I can just hear your lecture now Mer. Maternal instincts, that's the only way anyone could possibly look at Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, USAF and compare him to a little boy. Well, right now he is, so there!' Wow how childish was she? Her brother was gone and she was still having spats with him?! That was alright though, she knew. Arguing had always been a major theme in their relationship but in the end, they'd still loved each other. Even when Mer refused to speak to her for so many years, he'd always been brother. Her annoying, condescending, arrogant, sweet, brilliant, Amazing big brother.

Her thoughts derailed when she realized John was speaking. Well, barely whispering.

"..him. I didn't realize, not until it was too late. He was right there. For years he was right there and I didn't see, didn't see him....didn't understand. And now he's gone and I don't know what to do. It hurts so damn much. What do I do without him Jeannie? How am I supposed to go on when he's dead? "

Ok, she knew they'd been close but Sheppard was a military man. She was sure he'd lost friends before. This was possibly a bit overdramatic....

"....loved him. I loved him. Love him so much..."

Oh, well that was unexpected. Oh wow...what was she supposed to do now? Upset kid she could handle, she had experience there. Guy mourning the love of his life? Not so much.....and Rodney?!

Jeannie lifted John's head from her shoulder and held his face in her hands. His face was tearstained, lips swollen from crying, his body resonating pure misery. His eyes though, it was almost physically painful to look into those eyes. They were red from the force of his tears but that wasn't what made them so awful. It was the pain and the emptiness she saw there where before his eyes had always been full of intelligence and mischief, so full of life.

John was broken.

+++++++++++ Chapter 5 +++++++++++

At Jeannie's insistence, John spent the next week at the Miller' the end of the third day, Madison was already calling him "Uncle John" and insisted he play everything from princess to astronaut with her. Of course, playing house with Madison was a bit different than with the average kid since she spent half the time explained the complex science/math behind whatever they were doing and complaining about his lack of realism. It was pretty cute until she nonchalantly told him how to make bomb out of her Easy-Bake Oven (only a McKay).

John couldn't help but wonder if she was like Rodney had been at her age:adorable kid but way to smart for her own good.

When Madison wasn't insisting he sit still while she painted his toes (hurray the joys of acetone), he mostly hung out with Caleb working on various projects in the garage. The first time he saw Caleb's bass boat, he laughed so hard tears were streaming down his face. Mr. All-Out-Save-The-Planet-Vegitarian liked to fish! Oh man would Rodney have gotten a kick out of that. Jeannie would never have lived it down.

The evenings were spent mostly with Jeannie. He helped with dinner and the dishes while they talked. John knew practically every other word he said was 'Rodney'but Jeannie never seemed annoyed by was greatful for that. Rodney's family seemed to understand when no one else could. They'd lost an uncle and a brother when Mer died, but he'd lost...everything.

He had started calling him Mer too. Understandable considering the amount of time he listened to Jeannie calling him that. It felt...different calling him by first name; special, more intimate. Only his family called him Mer whereas everyone called him Rodney.

"Great, just one more thing to make it harder for me to say goodbye!" John thought.

He was currently in the kitchen chopping tomatoes for vegetarian lasagna and apparently he'd taken the frustration he'd felt at that last thought out on the fruit ?loudly ? because they looked more like a pile of red mush than chopped tomato now and Jeannie was looking very concerned for her cutting board.

"FUCK!" he exclaimed, throwing the knife into the nearby sink. Letting out an aggravated groan, John slid down onto the floor hugging his knees with his head buried in his hands.

"John?"

"It's not getting any better Jeannie! Being here...' he tried to swallow the lump in his throat before continuing '...Everyday I want him more. I just,...I see little things everywhere that remind me of him and all I want to do is ...ya know, just hear him laugh after I tell him about the stupid kid at the grocery store or...or watch him roll his eyes at a knock-knock joke from Madison's candy wrapper. It just keeps getting harder."  
He looked up at Jeannie then, his eyes dry but still so lost, filled with so much pain. She'd tried hard this past week to take that away, make his eyes shine with laughter again but it was to deep. John simply couldn't handle Mer's death. Not yet.

She knelt beside him again, taking him into her arms much like she had that first day, trying to provide whatever comfort she could and feeling so completely inadequate to the task.

"You're always welcome here John. In fact if you don't show up for Christmas I doubt Madison will ever forgive you. But right now John, ... right now I think it's time for you to go." Her heart broke a little at the way his arms tightened around her then; like a child hiding in safety, afraid of facing the world. She pulled him a little closer then and with a shakey voice she continued:"I think it's for the best. Right now you're still in limbo. You need to get back to work, back to your life....I wish I could turn back time for you and Mer but I can't. So there's..."

"What did you say?" John interrupted.

"I said it's time we tried to move on to get..."

"No,' he interrupted again, abruptly standing and pointing at her with a wild look in his eyes, 'you said you wished you could change the past!.....That's it....that it...." He said as he drifted off into the other room.

"John? What's it......John?!"

++++++++++++ Chapter 6 ++++++++++++

"Bill. Just the man I wanted to see!" John shouted, practically skipping on his way into the lab at SGC where Dr. Lee was currently eating his lunch, causing the startled scientist to pour half his cup of coffee all over his lab coat.

"Colonel? I thought you were in Canada?"

"I was." Sheppard said with a manic grin on his face, "I was and that's where I had an epiphany. We can bring Rodney back, Bob! We can, I figured it out but I'll need your help."

"What?" Bill said, his forehead furrowing in confusion, 'What are talking about Colonel?

Laughing, John grabbed him tightly by the shoulders, pulling him off his chair and into a ecstatic hug. "A time machine!" He pulled back to stare into the smaller man's shocked and slightly bewildered face. "I need you to build me one, Bill. Build me one and I'll go back and fix all of this! Rodney doesn't have to die. I'll just push him out of the way of the spear and everything will be fine. He'll be fine and ....and everything will be fine again."

Looking into Sheppard's eyes, bright with hope and excitement, Bill felt like a monster for what he was about to say but he didn't have any choice. Damn! Why couldn't he be the big hero for once and find a way to fix everything? But he couldn't, at least not this time. The Colonel was still staring at him expectantly when Bill closed his eyes and sighed. Biting his lip, he opened them again to stare miserably at the floor and spoke,  
"Colonel, have you ever seen the movie Time Machine? Well, the science in it was atrocious but it did have one very important point (oddly made by a character which held disturbing physical similarities to a Wraith): you can't build a time machine to go back and change the past. Visit it? Yes. Change it? No. You see, it works like this: if the event you want to change never took place, you would never have gone back in time to try to prevent it from happening. Therefore, it's in a continuous cycle. You might change the parameters a bit but in the end, you'd get the same results."Bob sighed and rubbed head before continuing, "If you went back in time to save Rodney, you MIGHT be able to change the circumstances of his death but he would still die. In fact, you might even make it worse."

He looked up then, feeling that he owed it to the Colonel to look him in the face with his last statement, "I'm sorry Colonel but I can't help you."

The hope, the excitement, the very life in Sheppard's face dissipated in that instant, replaced by a deathly blankness. Shaking, he released his grip on the scientist's shoulders and turned away, mumbling a broken 'thank you' as he stumbled back out of the lab and down the corridor.

When John reached his room, he closed the door and leaned back heavily against it. He could hardly breath the pain was so excruciating. His stomach was in knots and every muscle in his body was on fire from the tension, the effort to keep from crying and screaming out his rage at the injustice of the universe.  
Then he was screaming, loudly, as he hurled his bedside lamp at the wall. It shattered fantastically, pieces of glass and metal crashing to the floor in a glorious mess. He stared at it for moment and then quietly, calmly, he walked over to the mess and bent down to pick up a particularly sharp fragment. It cut his hand when he grabbed it but he didn't feel any pain. He was completely numb.

He sat on the floor and watched, fascinated, as the blood ran down his forearm. It would be so easy....just one little cut and everything would go away.....

Just one little cut....

++++++++++++ Chapter 7 ++++++++++++

It took him over an hour to get up off the floor and make his way to the infirmary so that someone could stitch up his hand. As he walked he looked down at wrist, now covered in dried blood from the gash on his palm. How close had he come to killing himself?

Only an hour before it had seemed like the perfect solution to all his problems. Mer was dead and hell just the thought of living without him making snarky comments in the background was enough to make John's steps stumble. He stopped and braced himself against the nearest wall for a moment and closed his eyes. Yes, it would be easier to end his life and hope somehow Mer would be waiting for him on the other side but in that crucial moment, right as he was about to slide the glass across his wrist, he thought of Madison and his promise to her that he would be there next Christmas to make cookies for the lady next door with the fuzzy kittens. He thought of Teyla and the baby; how she'd named the little guy after him because she looked up to him so much. Then there was Ronon who had already lost so much but somehow had found the courage to let someone into his life, to let John in. He thought of Jeannie and Caleb who had been so kind to him through all of this and who had come to mean so much to him. Then of course there were the brave men and women who served under him, the scientists who counted on him for strength and protection, and the entire population of the Pegasus galaxy who looked to him and his magic ATA gene as a source of hope.

Yes, giving up would be easy but he had no right to be that selfish when so many people depended on him. Life would be hard, lonely, and at times unbearably painful. He knew that everyday he would have to fight against the urge to run a little to slowly, not duck quick enough, or simply give up but he had to try...for them.

----  
Two days later he was back in Atlantis. Lorne had managed to keep things running in his absence ? at least on the military end of things ? but apparently the scientists were about to stage a cue against Zelenka who had decided that until all of the work which had been neglected in the weeks following McKay's death was completed, no one would be allowed a day off. The Czech seemed to have found a new almost lion-ish fierceness when it came to protecting Rodney's legacy. John could easily empathize with the man. Mer just had that effect on people and Radek had been one of his closest friends.

It took him a few days and a lot of chocolate to smooth things out. He had long since figured out a very important truth: Scientists were to chocolate as porn was to a teenage boy. It was a very useful analogy. Perhaps he should share it with Lorne?...nah.

Ronon and Teyla were of course happy to see him. Torren was growing like crazy and his mother had already introduced him to what Mer had always called her 'wacky-stick fighting.' He was actually pretty good at it. Ronon scowled as usual but made a point of hugging Sheppard once they were out of the main thoroughfare muttering something about being worried John wasn't coming back. Teyla greeted him in normal Athosian style and then stood looking at his carefully bandaged hand for a moment before looking up knowingly into his eyes. "I am glad you chose to stay with us John," she said with a small smile and left it at that.

Life went on. Thee months passed in a blur. Sheppard threw himself into work and as a result, military operations on Atlantis ran more smoothly than they ever had before. He though even Caldwell would have trouble finding something to object to. When he wasn't working, he was working out, practicing with Ronon and Telya, running, lifting weights, and working on the punching bags until he was too exhausted to do anything but sleep. He wanted it that way. If he let himself think, he would think of Rodney and he KNEW that if he let himself do that all of his resolve would shatter.

He hadn't 'healed', hadn't 'moved on' as Jeannie had said. He couldn't. Mer was everything to him and without him there was nothing but his promise to take care of those who still depended on him. It was all that kept him going now but if he let himself think of how incredibly quiet Atlantis was without Rodney chattering away beside him, how boring the away missions felt without his constant diatribe on the stupidity of primitive cultures, and how cold and empty his bed felt at night without the scientist beside him - even though he'd never actually had him there before - ...if he let himself think about those things, he knew he would break.

So, he worked and he was his life now.

++++++++++++++ Chapter 8 ++++++++++++++

Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay woke up in the infirmary. He could tell it was the infirmary because the bed was way too soft to be his own and OK, it was *lumpy* for heavens sakes! Wait.....why was he in the infirmary? He tried to sit up and open his eyes but just the slight movement of his shoulders made him feel dizzy and nauseous not to mention his vision was really blurry.

Ok, moving was definitely a bad idea.

Slumping back down onto the mattress he tried for a second tactic which in the history of its implementation had never failed him yet(why had he not tried this first?):

"Hello, Dr. Keller?!" he croaked out; realizing a little too late how dry his throat was.

"Rodney? You're awake. Here, drink this." Someone ? not Keller ? pressed a straw against his lips and he gratefully sipped the somewhat tepid water before speaking again.

"What happened? Why am I in the Infirmary?" he asked.

"Well, from what we can tell you were drugged. You've been unconscious for the past twenty-four hours or so, so we haven't been able to find out more. In fact, not that I'm not happy to see you McKay but, how the hell did you get here?!" his visitor (female) asked.

Alright, the disembodied voice thing was getting a bit annoying so he opened his eyes again:still a bit blurry. When he turned his head toward his companion, he could make out bright blue eyes, blond hair, and cherry lips. After a few blinks features assembled into the familiar face of Colonel Carter.

"Samantha?! What the hell are you doing on Atlantis?" He asked, surprise clearly registering in his voice, "and what do you mean how did I get here? I live here! Wait....' He looked at around the room finally noticing something was a bit off. 'This isn't Atlantis...SGC...why am I on earth?!" He asked, surprise quickly turning to irritation.

"I've got a better question for you, Rodney,' Sam countered, crossing her arms in front of her while leaning in closer to stare at McKay with an incredulous look on her face, 'How are you here when you've been dead for over a year?"

---  
"Hey Rodney, how're ya feelin'?" Sam asked as she walked into the infirmary.

Dr. McKay (previously departed) was sitting up in bed looking thoroughly disgusted at the data pad on his lap.

"Eh? Oh Sam, have you seen what these idiots have been turning out in the science department? Even my niece could find the error in their math and she's not even ten yet!" He replied, not yet looking up from the horror scene playing out on the screen in front of him.

"So...better, I take it."

"What?" McKay said, finally looking at her "Yes, yes, yes, much better. Why are you here?"

"I thought you should know, McKay, we ran the clothes you were wearing when you arrived through a scanner and we found a flash drive sewn into one of the seams. It contains a mass of data and schematics concerning advancements made by the military and science teams on Atlantis over the past year (we've got guys looking at it now) but more importantly it holds a letter addressed to you. I think you'll find it interesting." Sam said, holding out the data pad she'd been carrying for McKay's inspection:  
Rodney, my dear friend,  
I write this letter with the hope that you have safely reached my intended destination for you. I know that for now, you are certainly angry and confused as to why this is happened if not also what has happened to you. I assure you, I did not take this action lightly or without a great deal of thought as to its consequences. In truth, I could no longer bear to see you in such pain my friend. When we lost Colonel Sheppard a little over a year ago, I was there, in the Gate Room at your return. While the others were focused on the Colonel, I watched you. I saw the devastation and the pain that his death brought to you. When, only a week later, I watched as Teyla talked you down from the ledge of the balcony, my heart broke for you. In that moment, seeing you cling so desperately to her strength, I vowed that would not leave you to a life of such misery and so began my work.  
I requested and studied all reports and technologies concerning alternate dimensions, searching for a way to bring the Colonel back to you or perhaps, send you to him. My goal was to find a universe which was almost an exact match to our own; branching off at the very moment of Colonel Sheppard's death. How, when there are an infinite number of dimensions was I to accomplish this you may ask? In the end it was relatively simple (I am also a genius, Rodney). I discovered that each individual has a distinct electrical signature which varies only slightly depending on the dimension in which the individual resides. I searched for one in which your own signature no longer existed but the Colonel's did, matching his electrical marker in this universe precisely. Then it was only a matter of creating a device which would safely transport an individual between dimensions. I realized quickly that I could not bring the Colonel to our universe as I would be forced to physically push him into the machine from his own dimension and so, I resolved to send you to his. I drugged your coffee...and your jello.  
Yes, my actions may seem severe, foolish, or even demented but I assure you Rodney, I did this as your friend. I watched you fade away for over a year until you were nothing but a shell of the man you once were; your very genius diminished by your grief. In the end, it was that that convinced me that I was taking the correct action.  
Your future I am sure seems uncertain, frightening, but I would not have done this if I thought you would not eventually find yourself happy. Watching you and Colonel Sheppard over the years has led me to believe that your feelings for him did not go unmatched. I am certain he felt the same for you. I hope that my actions will allow you the chance which fate denied you the first time.  
Be well my friend, be happy. - Radek "Son of a bitch..." Rodney exclaimed quietly, "He sent me to another dimension?!" McKay looked both appalled and touched by the act then suddenly he stilled and his face turned pale and frightened. Turning back to look at Colonel Carter, he asked "Who's read this?"

"No one but Landry, Jackson, and myself so far. Why?"

"Because!" he shouted then closed his eyes, taking a minute to collect himself before continuing quietly, not meeting her eyes. "Because of what it says about Colonel Sheppard..."

Oh, so it was true. Sam hadn't been sure. Neither Rodney nor the Colonel had ever shown signs of being anything but purely heterosexual in the past. Wow, she thought, looking at McKay with a new measure of appreciation. Here he was, just finding out he'd been transported to another dimension without his knowledge and with very little chance of ever getting back and he was worried about Sheppard!

"Rodney?" Sam said, gently placing her hand over his visibly shaking one, 'I don't know what's going to happen to Sheppard because of this but I promise you, as a friend, I will do everything I can to help him. Just be patient. This is an unusual situation and maybe the military will choose to ignore the letter because it's talking about a Colonel Sheppard from another dimension. Right now, we need to decide what do about you."

+++++++++++++ Chapter 9 +++++++++++++

With the weekly data burst came news that SGC was sending Atlantis a new chief scientist and that Lt. Colonel John Sheppard was ordered to return to Earth to escort the new head of science back to Atlantis. Dr. Zelenka had been filling in for McKay since his death but had adamantly refused to take the title as Chief of Science, citing reasons such as not really liking to yell at people, liking his free time, not wanting to get an ulcer, and preferring not to be the one to make all the decisions in life or death situations. So, the request had gone in for a new department head. Now, over a year later, SGC was finally fulfilling the request and Radek was so excited he nearly pushed Sheppard bodily through the Stargate.

John himself was not to keen on meeting Rodney's replacement. He'd managed pretty well so far to keep his emotions in check but there were limits to even the strongest person's resolve and he had a feeling that seeing an unfamiliar face taking Mer's chair, title, and probably place on his team might just do him in. They hadn't even been told the name of the scientist. With his luck it would be yet another beautiful woman who decided that because he was good looking and charming that of course he wanted to sleep with her. Just the thought of sex made his stomach clench. One horrible date Teyla had forced him to go on a few months back with Dr. Kell, her friend from the anthropology department, had confirmed without a doubt what he already knew to be true: no one but Rodney.

So here he was, standing on the ramp of SGC's Stargate once again, in yet another situation he hated. This time it was General O'Neill who met him, ushering him towards the conference room with a smile and a nervous pat on the back.

"So, how are things on Atlantis?" he asked conversationally.

"Well the city is still floating and we haven't run into the Genii for awhile so all in all not to bad."

"Glad to hear it," Jack said, pushing the Colonel towards a chair then setting down next to him with his hands crossed and laying on the tabletop. "OK," he continued, clearing his throat nervously and suddenly wishing he'd brought a bottle of scotch with him, "obviously you know you're getting a new Science Chief or you wouldn't be here. What you don't know is that there are some...special circumstances surrounding this new guy and that's why we asked you to make the trip here..."

Damn, where was the scotch when you needed it?! Hell, Jack thought, he should be used to situations like this by now but honestly, when had there ever been a situation like this? Sam had explained the situation to him, he'd read the Czech guy's letter, and while he had to admit he was a bit startled by the whole situation he was pretty much OK with it. Still, how do you tell the apparently gay military leader of Atlantis that his dead would-be lover is back? Yeah, there was a reason they kept psychologists on staff.

Examining his fingers in an attempt to not meet the Colonel's eyes, he continued, "It's McKay." He looked up to see Sheppard's reaction and was half shocked to see the man white as a ghost, hands clenched to the chair's arm rests, breathing heavily and looking like he was doing everything he could not to launch himself at Jack and kill him out of blind fury.

"Sir?' Sheppard asked quietly, literally shaking with rage, 'I cannot even begin to tell you how entirely NOT funny that is."

"Yeah, I get that. BUT as it happens, I'm not joking. It seems that fuzzy little Czech guy...Zenka?..well, he uh..." And so, Jack spent the next hour explaining to the Colonel what had happened and how McKay and SGC had decided that sending him back to Atlantis was the best option for everyone but that it had been decided that Sheppard should be allowed to talk with the man before he returned to the Pegasus galaxy. By the end of it, the Colonel looked far less murderous than nervous. Jack couldn't really blame him. I mean, how often do people come back from the dead?

Wait.

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. Rodney was alive?! Well, not really but....Rodney. His heart was beating way too fast and he felt giddy and dizzy and nauseous and exhilarated, and ....and Rodney! He was torn between wanting to race out of the room and down the hall to where the General had told him McKay was waiting and being too scared to move. What if he and Radek were wrong and Mer wasn't in love with him? He was trapped against his will in another dimension because his friend thought that it would make him happy to be with John again but what if Rodney had really asked him to come because he wanted to make sure John knew there was nothing between them before they went back to Atlantis?

Finally, after thanking O'Neill for giving him the chance to see Rodney before everyone else, he managed to gather enough courage to get up and walk towards the door of Mer's quarters. Standing in front of it, he thought it was odd that such an innocuous object as a door handle could be so terrifying. Taking a deep breath, he reach out and turned the knob.

++++++++++ Chapter 10 ++++++++++

John pushed the door open and stepped into the small room. Although he knew who he would find on the other side he still couldn't hold back the small gasp that escaped when he saw Rodney McKay stand up from the cot he'd been sitting on and turn towards him. The two men stood frozen, staring at each other from across the room for a long time; their shaky breaths the only sound to break the silence.

Time and worry had taken its toll on Rodney. He was a bit thicker around the middle then John remembered and his hair was longer and even more dishevelled than usual. There were small wrinkles forming in the corners of his eyes and the slant of his mouth seemed even more pronounced than in the past but his eyes were still the same brilliant blue ? like the sky. John thought he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.  
"John?" Rodney whispered brokenly.

Then they were moving, a flurry of arms and hands desperate to touch, to feel, to know that the other was real. Rodney's arms wrapped tightly around John's waist as the taller man cupped his face in both hands; staring into the blue eyes he never thought he'd see again.

"Rodney...Rodney, Rodney, Rodney," John chanted desperately as he pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Rodney's shoulders and burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"I'm here, John. I'm here... shit, I'm here?! I'm here...I'm not going anywhere I swear...I'm not letting you go again..., not ever. Sshhh, I'm here, John. I'm here..." Rodney babbled as he gently rubbed the other man's back, trying to sooth him through his tears even as he fought his own.

He'd had a month to get over the shock of what had happened; time to come to term with the fact that the man he loved, who a little over a year ago had flung himself in front of a spear to save Rodney's life was now very much alive. It was still hard to believe. So much so that he couldn't help but run his hands over the small of John's back, surreptitiously searching for the gaping hole he KNEW should be there. If he felt this way, he could hardly imagine how difficult this was for John who'd had less then a day.

Eventually John calmed down enough that Rodney was able to lead them over to sit on the bed, still never breaking physical contact. He guessed it would be awhile before either was really comfortable with being very far from the other. Both of them were exhausted from the emotional stress of the day (or the past year), so he gently pushed on John's shoulders until the man relented his vise-like grip on Rodney's arms enough that they could lie back on the bed is some semblance of comfort (which he mentally noted meant squished firmly together on their sides until they had no choice but to breath each other's air and wrapping their arms around each other was as much for keeping them on the bed as it was for emotional comfort).

Gently tracing his fingers over Rodney's stubbled cheek, John spoke, "This is the most surreal thing that's ever happened to me. I mean, I...I was the one who sent your ashes out into space. And now you're here..." His fingers travelled back to play with the hair while he continued to stare in awe at the man laying beside him.

"I know it's a lot to take in but we have time, John," Rodney said softly. Suddenly his face transformed in shock and he started laughing. "Listen to me, I sound like my sister! Oh my gosh, this is ridiculous!" he said then swiftly pushed John over onto his back and lay down half on top of him before taking Sheppard's head in both hands and leaning down so that they were nearly nose to nose. Still giggling then tried to clear his throat, in attempt to look more serious.

"OK. This past year has been the worst of my life. So bad in fact that at one point I seriously considered ending it but Teyla convinced me that I had to stay alive to help protect the universe, save the planet, ensure safe parks for children and small dogs everywhere, blah, blah, blah and all that.... My year started September 7th: the day I ended up in the infirmary with a shallow stomach wound. Shallow because you had to go and be all damned heroic again and save my life by jumping in front of a spear that'd been lobbed in my direction! It took you over an hour to die, John, but you managed to do it before I got up the courage to say one very important thing. Now, either some higher power, an annoying little Czech - who I will be grateful to for the rest of my life - or some combination of the two has given me a second chance and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste it. So, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, I am in love with you."

John gave a short huff of a laugh then wrapped his hand around the back of Rodney's neck, burying his fingers in the short hairs at the nape, then pulled him down the few remaining inches until their lip met. The kiss was soft, closed mouthed, almost chaste but filled with so many emotions; love, sadness, joy, desire, weariness, hope, and so many others which held no definable name but that defined them individually, what they had suffered in the past year without each other, and what they were together.

When the kiss finally broke, Rodney's eyes remained closed so John reached up to kiss the point of his nose then pulled him bodily down on top of him so that Rodney's ear was pressed against his lips before he spoke.

"I love you too,Rodney."

++++++++++++++ Chapter 11 ++++++++++++++

The moment they stepped through the gate was one John was sure he'd remember for the rest of his life. Atlantis had been informed of the identity of their new Chief Science Officer the day before and so the gateroom was at that moment, standing room only. Approximately 1.2 seconds after McKay stepped through he found himself gasping for oxygen while being encased in the biggest bear hug ever. "Get off me you Neanderthal!" He shouted at the bigger man once he could breathe. John couldn't be completely sure but in that moment he thought Ronon's eyes looked a bit on the misty side.

Teyla on the other hand seemed to have no qualms with openly displaying her emotions. Her face was streaked with tears as she took her turn enveloping Rodney in a friendly hug then bending his forehead to her own. After gently brushing her hand over the side of his face she smiled and backed away so that the next person in line could have their turn. She never spoke a word but John had a feeling Teyla would seek out McKay later and talk with him in private.

The line continued for what seemed like hours to John who really wanted to drag Rodney off RIGHT NOW. There were faces of friends, colleagues, and a few Athosians who came for the occasion and the reported party to follow. Suddenly angry shouts were heard from the back of the room and the crowed parted like the sea, revealing a furious and disheveled looking Czech. "YOU!' Radek yelled as he stormed up the steps toward the Stargate where McKay was still standing, pointing an accusing figure at the man who was the apparent focus of his wrath. "You rozvzteklit , arogantn egotistical , pr li n duvera , hnev , prekr sn cubc syn!" His tirade came to an end when he stood directly in front of Rodney, glaring at him and breathing heavily.

The entire room fell into a shocked silence. McKay himself seemed stunned by the outburst but the bewildered look soon changed to calculating and then, much to the surprise of everyone, a huge grin spread across his face before he directed his attention fully on Zelenka and said simply, "I missed you too Radek." To which the Czech let out a defiant huff of air then pulled Rodney into a tight hug.

------------------------

It was nearly two in the morning by the time they managed to escape from the party. While there, they had had few chances to speak with each other and now, alone together in the hallway, their silence was deafening. It was strange. Here they were, finally alone and in relative safely and neither could think of what to say to the other. As they walked, John tried to remember what it was he always used to talk with Mer about: work, comic books, TV, food, and lots of other stuff. Lots. So why couldn't he think of anything to talk about now?

Eventually they reached John's quarters and he politely ushered Rodney in. After moving a few paces into the room so that the door shut behind them, they stood staring around the room: the space between the two of them, the walls, Madison's artwork framed next to his bed; pretty much anything but looking into the other's face. It was awkward and frustrating and maddening! Finally, John got fed up and with a low growl he nearly lunged at Rodney, taking his mouth in a firm kiss. Rodney responded nearly immediately and for a few minutes they continued to make out while standing in the middle of John's room. It felt wonderful; the feel of Rodney's lips against his, the taste and the sounds he made but still there was something wrong ...something. It scared and confused him and that made him angry so he kissed Rodney harder, pressing his mouth against the other man's with almost savage passion, desperate to feel the joy he knew he should be feeling in this moment. At last the necessity of air forced them to break apart and Rodney pulled back, resting his forehead against John's shoulder. John held him tightly while they attempted to regain their breath.

"This isn't going to work is it?' Rodney asked, his voice small and full pain. 'You and me...we can't..." John stomach clenched and closed his eyes tightly against the tears he felt forming in his eyes at Rodney's words.

Rodney pulled back from his shoulder to look up into John's face. Pressing a shaky palm gently against the other man's cheek he continued, "I'm not him John. I'm not Mer. I'm not...and...and you're not him. My John died over a year ago. He died in my arms and I have grieved for him! I have grieved and I have had to move on with my life, find ways to make do without him. You have too John. And that's changed us. We're not the same men we were that day and it would be stupid to pretend that wasn't true because we both know it is....The men we loved are dead. That's why this is so hard."

"I know." The words came out choked and desolate. It was all he could say.

They stood there staring at each other for long moments, neither man wanting to break the last thread of hope that kept them from the bleakness of reality.

John felt Rodney's hand drop from his face suddenly and he opened his eyes to see that he'd moved back a step. 'Why? Why did he have to be right all the damn time?! Why couldn't they have their happy ending?! WHY?!' the litany of questions continued to play in his head as he stared into Rodney's sorrow filled eyes, wishing desperately that he could fix this and give them both the fairly tale ending they deserved. But Rodney was right, they were different people, and neither really knew what to do with the other. It wasn't going to work...

Finally, Rodney broke the silence. "So, I'll...I'll just...I'll..." He broke off, for once unable to find words sufficient for the situation. Abruptly he pushed his out hand between them. "Friends?" he asked with hesitation.

John stared at the hand. This was so unfair but what could they do? Rodney was right. Shit... So he reached out and fitted his hand against Rodney's, clasping it tightly then giving it a firm shake before using it to tug McKay against him in a tight hug, burying his face in his hair, breathing him in one last time. "Best friends, Rodney." He whispered. He felt Rodney let out an unsteady huff of air against his neck then soft kiss pressed against his pulse point.

Without looking up into John's face, Rodney pulled out of his embrace and turned toward the door.

"Goodbye John," echoed in his wake.

-------------

John didn't sleep much that night; the events of the last few days weighing heavily on his mind. It was hard to wrap his mind around it all. First, he'd lost Mer suddenly and horribly. His heart had been broken but he'd pushed on. Then after more than a year of grieving Rodney suddenly came back and now, just a few hours ago he had willingly given him up again. Yet it wasn't really him was it? Mer and Rodney were two different men and John knew he had to think of them that way. Mer was dead. Rodney was sleeping in a bed down the hall.

His thoughts continued in this pattern throughout the night and on into the early morning. In those hours his emotions ran the gauntlet. He felt betrayed; screaming and cursing he tore his quarters apart, smashing everything in sight out of anger and frustration. How could life be so unfair? Eventually the anger gave way and once more John felt the devastating sense of loss he'd felt in the moment he accepted Mer was truly dead. He collapsed on the floor, sobbing until he was too tired to stay awake and sleep claimed him.

He woke up early in the morning, still lying on the floor. Enlisting his aching muscles to move, John got dressed and headed out to his favorite balcony to watch the sunrise. It was beautiful. It always was but today was different. Looking at the colors flash bright against the horizon, he felt a sense of calm wash over him. For the first time since Mer's death he felt at peace.

He loved Mer. He always would but somehow he could feel it...it was time. It was time to move on. So, as the sun rose over the horizon, brilliant, glorious, and bright in its promise of a new day, John closed his eyes, lifting his face to the breeze he whispered softly, "I love you Mer... goodbye."

+++++++++++ Chapter 12 +++++++++++

John sat in the mess hall staring at a pile of reconstituted mashed potatoes trying to guess for which war exactly they had been originally produced. The current guess was Vietnam but he hadn't actually gotten up the courage to take a bite yet so the actual date was still questionable. Just as he had finally marshaled the nerve to put spoon to plate another dinner tray came into his line of vision, situating itself at exact 90 degree angles on table's surface, directly across from his own tray.

"Mind if I join you?" The newcomer asked, seemingly waiting for a response before actually sitting. John looked up and was met by a pair of startlingly blue eyes. A hand stretched out in greeting before John could respond and the man continued, "Hi. Dr. Rodney McKay: new Chief of Science. I just got here a couple days ago and what with having to cope with the terrifying and numerous levels of incompetence among my staff, haven't really had the chance to make many introductions as of yet. So...?"

John sat in silence for a moment, giving his brain time to catch up with the situation while Dr. McKay looked at him expectantly, hand still outstretched.

Rodney was introducing himself? But...no, they didn't actually know each other, did they? Before they had only interacted with each other under the pretext that they were different people than they actually were. In truth, this was their first meeting. The implications of this introduction were...astounding. Fate or the will of one Rodney McKay - two forces which had somehow found a way to beat reality into a bloody pulp and still find a way to give them a chance at happiness.

John stood from his chair and took Dr. McKay's hand in his own. "Lt. Colonel John Sheppard. I'm the Military Commander here on Atlantis and all-purpose light switch.

Rodney face lit up and he smiled at John as if he was coffee, chocolate, and a ZPM all rolled up in one. "Pleasure.' He said simply before sitting. 'So, have you tried the macaroni salad because I think..." He went on to explain (in detail) the dangers of cafeteria food for someone with citrus allergies and then managed to maintain an unbroken commentary on all things food related as he dug into his own dinner with relish.

The Colonel sat down, put his feet up on the edge of the table and settled in to half-listen to Rodney's one-sided conversation on the wonders/horrors of the mess hall.

John smiled.

THE END!


End file.
